Damn it Feels Good To Be A Gangster

So today I was blessed to find in my gmail inbox a guest post from the venerable Ms Allison Metz, of the Midwest Metz's:

When I was first asked to write on a topic that I consider myself to be an expert on, I questioned whether or not I was good enough to appear in Awkward/Juxtaposition. Certain that I possessed enough awkwardness to make up for any lack of talent in the blogging world, I forged forward. Just as a side note, some of you might be familiar with my work in The Mount Holyoke News. Perhaps that really analytical piece I wrote on honey mustard? Rest assured, I AM available for autographs.

Enough about me, I want to get to the meat of a really important issue. Lately I’ve been referred to as the connoisseur of reality television. It’s not a title I take lightly. It takes many years of practice to be considered an expert in this field. You may be wondering how I acquired such an important position at a very young age. It’s taken a lot of time and effort, but every day when I come home from work, I plop myself in front of the television and watch anywhere from two to four hours of pure crap. I’ve learned a lot and that’s what I’m here to write about.

Before I unveil this masterpiece, let me first begin by telling all of you non-reality lovers to shut the hell up. If one more of you tells me I’m sick, wasting my time or don’t recognize quality television programs, I will spit on you and your mother. I watch reality television because I love to watch stupid people. They make me feel good about myself. And no one makes me feel better about myself than the Real Housewives of New York City. Bravo’s newest show, a spin-off of the Real Housewives of Orange County, follows five wealthy women around as they make pretentious comments, date ugly men and spend a lot of money on outdated clothing.

I’ve read a lot of pretentious reviews of this show and they’re all wrong. +/-

This is not social commentary, this is not reverse feminism, this is just plain old good shit. In order for you to truly understand how amazing this show is, allow me to provide you with a brief description of the characters.

Ramona: O, Ramona. I usually don’t like to use this phrase when referring to women, but she’s a stupid whore. Her daughter and husband think so too, but they let her do her thing. I’ve watched Ramona push her friend into a pool, threaten to drown a dog and walk around in a bra she thought was a shirt. Just to provide you with an accurate mental picture, she resembles Britney Spears, after she went crazy.

Jill: Jill, Jill, Jill. When will you realize you’re ugly? Jill is from Long Island and thinks she’s important. She’s not. To make her feel better about herself, she brings her gay friend in a pink cowboy hat every where she goes and makes sure everyone in the room knows that he is gay, just in case we couldn’t figure it out.

Countess a.k.a. LuAnn: You’re name is LuAnn, therefore you can’t be pretentious, but you still are. She’s one of the better housewives because she’s a bitch and not afraid to admit it. As a side note, her husband is anywhere from 20-70 years older than her.

Bethenny: She’s my fav. She knows her friends suck, and constantly points out their flaws. She also dates a bald, divorced man. She likes to rub his head and ask when they’ll get married.

Alex: I saved the best for last. She can’t afford to live in Manhattan, but to make up for her move to Brooklyn, she is the most pretentious of all the women. She shows off her saggy butt as she vacations in St. Barts. Alex also has the most peculiar home life. She’s actually married to a gay man. Unfortunately, both her and her husband are in denial about his sexuality. Her children are named Francois and Johan. They have French names and are learning to speak French, but aren’t actually French. In fact, they have no connection to France whatsoever. Her kids are also partially retarded. They can’t form words and were denied entrance to every private school in NYC.

So tune in and stop pretending you’re not intrigued. Tuesdays at 10 on Bravo. It will no doubt change your entire perspective on television.